LET HIM DIG

    An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

    Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic -- because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.

    The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack. His wife had a closed casket at the wake.  After the funeral, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

    Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

    The wife put down her drink and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...."

"Dogs Welcome"
 

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too.

• Cleaning Bamboo Window Blinds:  Dust or clean often just with a soft brush or the brush attachment of your vacuum cleaner. Never wash with citric-based cleaners or over-wet with water because it could damage the blinds.
• Cleaning Varnished Woodwork:  If you want to get rid of fingerprints, make a solution of 1-part vinegar and 2 parts water and wipe the dirty area. Then use a dry cloth to polish the woodwork.
• Aluminum Siding Dirty?  To get rid of the dirt, simply attach a car-washing brush to a hose. Point the water directly onto the really dirty areas and rinse the house thoroughly about twice a year.    
• Long Hallway Needs Decorating?  Organize a "gallery" showing of your family's life story in pictures.  Arrange them from weddings to grandchildren on the wall. Have all the frames be similar in color or material for a cohesive and attractive look.  

• Keep a Cooler in the Trunk of Your Car ... Add an ice pack or two to an ice chest when you go to the store, particularly in the summer, so you can keep your purchases like milk and ice cream cool until you get home.